It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
