i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
