is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
