At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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