my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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