When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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