my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
