Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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