so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize