i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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