seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
