see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
