dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
