In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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