i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
