So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
