Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
