Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
