i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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