just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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