Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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