The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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