this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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