Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
