i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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