Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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