I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
