Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
