I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
