My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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