we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
