My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
