she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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