I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
