I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
