Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize