I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
