I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
that's an acceptable place to lick
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
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