i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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