I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize