The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
