I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
