If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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