life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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