just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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