maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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