Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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