I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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