Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
