no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
