South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
