The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
