I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I want her autograph on my taint
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
