see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i am craving dick and cupcakes
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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