i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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