Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
