I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
