Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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