i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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