gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
