shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
