i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
